Kampong Masjid Tanah Lepre: I would get to run around on those stairs that were built.

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In November of 2010, I will get the final pieces of my act together. I recently heard the song Broken Strings by James Morrison and Nellie Furtado. I feel like it is the epitomy of where I am right now, so I shared the song this past weekend, and the reality is sinking into him. It is all but done, though the legalities have long been finalized. I am numb, completely. Yesterday, I tried to tap into what I was really feeling now. I feel as if I have a wall 4 inches thick which surrounds my soul I have never felt so detached from the world as I do now. No one gets in, except for my child. I hate being onguard all the time. I hate feeling like I have to be the warrior. I want to be at peace, or as much as I can be. I worry that I will never be able to feel again. It has been too long fighting, manipulating, calculating, abusing and being abused. I don't know the number of times it took before Pavlov's dog was trained, but I feel it will take me years or a miracle to become untrained and be open to someone again. Online dating for me has been a trecherous road. After my divorce, I so wanted to feel, that I haphazardly went about getting out there. I liked, was liked, and connected with several, to be mushed by them being afraid or incapable of connecting. Are we all the same on here? Numb, incapable, braggards who are merely lost and lonely. I don't know anymore. I do know that I feel like an addict, and step one of the twelve steps is to say I have a problem. Well, I have a problem. I want to have a loving, feeling relationship with a man. I guess I really have a problem, actually many, I am sure. I am simply sharing my misery, and I know I am not alone.

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